Monday, August 14, 2006

I'm not yet in the habit of writing when I'm feeling like it, when lots of thoughts are tumbling around in my head in a way that writing helps to sort out.

Today was the DS coffee group. I always find it somewhat confronting-- lovely people, most of whom are ahead on the journey, who've dealt with all sorts of things, and lovely kids, but all obviously afflicted, the way Ellie will one day be.

Right now, it's not obvious, She's only 13 months old, and if she's delayed, we don't really know-- because we don't have any other children to compare her to. She's at about the same spot as other kids of the same age-- behind on walking and muscle stuff, and perhaps a bit ahead with language. And usually, she's a complete delight. So it's hard to be reminded that all is not hunky-dory, that there will be hard times ahead. I guess it's possible that Ellie is some bizarre aberration, that she's actually normal intellectually-- all curves need their top ends; and she has got good genetics, but, really, that's not very likely. And I don't know what the top end means anyway. So it's more likely that retardation shows itself over time; being slower to pick things up just accumulates, and she gets further and further behind her peers. So that will be hard. But it's not yet.

Afterwards, when we'd had our lunch and had played together a bit, I sat her beside me on the sofa. We'd been playing, and I was just zoning a bit. And seeing/feeling her sitting beside me, her own little person, right next to me on the sofa-- I felt an overwhelming joy and protectiveness. I imagined a little bubble around our two sofa cushions, the two of us, together. And she looked up at me and beamed, and reached up for a hug. So I think she can sense that togetherness feeling, that love. Socially gifted. I'm a retard at it myself; always second-guessing what I feel, and what the person I'm with is feeling. But I'm pretty sure that LG (little girl, one of our pet names) just knows. And this makes me believe in love as something *between* people, rather than an individual surge of hormones, or whatever.

She plays with us. Plays coy, pretends not to want to hug us, burying herself into my partners shoulder, with a cheeky little smile, then pops up and launches herself at me, and does the same to my wife. Back and forth, laughing.

Are all babies this wonderful?

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